Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Now showing at a theatre near you: Commercials

Been to a movie lately? I have. I used to occasionally review movies in the newspaper, so today I will trek down that dark alley again in hopes that it will be enlightening, if not entertaining.

When I read a book, I read everything up front: the title page, the dedication, the publishing history, the introduction, the prologue, the author’s note, the ISBN number. Everything. Then I begin reading the book itself – “It was the best of times, it was the…” well, you know. Call me Ishmael.

So this review encompasses everything at the movie once the lights go down, the music volume goes up and the flickering of the silver screen fills a person with eager anticipation that this could be the start of something grand.

Let’s see, when it all started last Saturday night, a group of characters were running around in nothing but their jeans and something on top – in other words, the way 268 million Americans dress every day. The plot was hard to follow until, suddenly and without warning, the screen was filled with a single word, spelled out in large crimson letters: Levis.

Oh, Levis. So this isn’t the movie yet, it’s a commercial.

Next came a scene on a beach with a petulant-looking movie director, camel hair coat draped over his shoulders (I think), jodhpurs running down slender legs, looking for all the world as though he was getting ready for the Red Sea crossing scene in “The Ten Commandments.”

The plot was kind of hard to follow, though, until the end when atop a mountain a miracle occurs: a shiny new Toyota.

Oops, guess that wasn’t the movie either.

There followed an intricately plotted Pepsi – or was it Coke? – commercial, but by then my mind had wandered over to the fact that I had paid $12 for two geezer seats to this flick. What flick? So far, only commercials.

Turned out the commercials were better than the movie anyway, so forget about that. But still….paying for commercials seems like an imposition. They’re free on TV at home.

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