By Jim Heffernan
Here’s the news of the
future – Dec. 22, 2012 to be exact – concerning the end of the world the day
DATELINE PLANET EARTH (Dec. 22, 2012) --
As predicted in the
ancient Mayan calendar, the world ended yesterday when the planet Earth and
former planet Pluto collided in the Solar System.
Shortly before Earth was blown to smithereens, officials
speculated it was caused by Pluto as revenge for being downgraded from official
planet status. President Barack Obama urged calm, as Pluto catapulted toward
Earth. Republican leaders in Congress feared the cataclysm might be worse than
falling off the fiscal cliff nine days hence.
As a result of the Armageddon, long predicted by religious
leaders, ongoing problems on Earth no longer exist on personal, local, national
or global levels. Individuals were absolved of all bill paying, crime in cities
ended, congressional polarization was vaporized and ongoing trouble in the
Middle East and other world hotspots abruptly came to an end.
It would have been cause for celebration, except there was
nobody left to celebrate.
In the beginning the Earth was waste and void. Now it is
The final words from planet Earth were unaccountably uttered
by an anthropomorphic pig: “That’s all folks!”
dispatch was transmitted by the Unassociated Press minutes before the world
came to an end.)