D. Duck and M. Mouse new QAnon suspects?

Written by Jim Heffernan for the Duluth News Tribune, 7-10-21 edition

We’ve been hearing a lot of “conspiracy theories” that offer alternate realities about who actually attacked the U.S. Capitol last Jan. 6, and other matters of national concern like who won the last presidential election.

 

Many of these tales are attributed to what is known as QAnon and repeated by certain high level political operatives and even some Congress members as “truth.” It’s been called the “big lie.”

 

I spent almost the entire day Jan. 6 glued to the TV watching the insurrection. Many men in the mob were wearing red MAGA hats and earlier in the day had attended a rally outside the White House led by the then U.S. president, who was challenging the last presidential election’s outcome. Of course you know that. Who doesn’t?

 

But in the ensuing months, conspiracy theorists, often inspired by QAnon, have claimed that those in the mob attacking the Capitol were not supporters of the former president at all, but others — even Democrats in disguise and anti-fascists  — who were trying to make the ex-president look bad.

 

The latest is that the FBI was behind the whole thing, causing further spinning in disgraced FBI founder J. Edgar Hoover’s grave. Poor Hoover hasn’t had a day’s eternal rest. Then there is the claim that the mob consisted of a group of peaceful, patriotic tourists seeking to tour the Capitol. Yeah, right.

 

Do you suppose the QAnon believers and supporters might be running out of theories on who, other than supporters of the ex-president who actually did it, might have been responsible for the riot that threatened members of Congress, damaged the Capitol building and shook the very foundations of American Democracy?

 

If they are running out of theories, today I offer a few more, free to QAnon conspirators. So here are some new ideas for the QAnon crowd to pursue in trying to whitewash the insurrection.

 

All that said, I now offer a list of a number of fresh conspiracy theories for QAnon to consider in blaming others for the attack on the Capitol that are equal in credibility to those already advanced.

 

— Have they considered the possibility that Donald Duck, who wears a blue jacket but no pants, was behind the whole thing? Ridiculous? Hold it. Duck’s three sons, Huey, Louie and Dewey are grown now and have come under the influence of Donald’s wealthy uncle Scrooge McDuck, a well known activist and George Soros-like supporter of liberal causes who might gladly finance an insurrection to make the immediate past president look bad. Go ahead and take it, QAnon. It’s free.

 

— Then there’s Mickey Mouse and wife Minnie. With Disney’s millions — billions? — behind him, Mickey, who wears pants but no jacket, could easily have financed and organized a fake MAGA riot with the help of other Hollywood elites seeking to blame the good-hearted supporters of the then-outgoing president. Ms. Minnie Mouse, who wears high-heel shoes on great big feet, is said to be considering a run for Congress as a left-wing supporter of the Affordable Care Act and other traitorous causes opposed by QAnon and others. (Possible error alert: It might have been Daisy Duck, Donald’s spouse, who had big feet. Check Google.)

 

— Let’s not forget Bugs Bunny. He’s perfect. He’s against everything. He could easily have been behind the whole thing, munching on a carrot and asking pertinent questions like, “What’s up, doc?” How about a noose for the vice president?

 

— And d-d-d-d-d-on’t ignore Porky Pig, all you QAnon masterminds looking for others to blame. Or Elmer Fudd, or outspoken rooster rabble-rouser Foghorn Leghorn, a natural for QAnon conspiracies. But enough anthropomorphism. There are plenty of human candidates for QAnon conspiracies too.

 

— People think Dagwood Bumstead is such a nice guy, only interested in eating huge, layered sandwiches and not taming his cowlicks. But what’s he up to behind the scenes when he’s not sneaking a catnap or kibitzing with Blondie? Take a look at neighbor Herb and the others in his carpool. They could have organized the mob that started the attack while actual, real, supporters of the erstwhile chief executive were busy helping the poor, the homeless and the overtaxed, even as Bumstead boss Mr. Dithers dithered.

 

But enough. Whoever is behind QAnon conspiracy theories absolving those who attacked the Capitol on Jan 6 of any responsibility for attacking the Capitol on Jan. 6 are good enough themselves at coming up with others to blame.

 

That’s all folks.

 

Jim Heffernan is a former Duluth News Tribune news and opinion writer columnist. He can be reached at jimheffernan@jimheffernan.org and maintains a blog at www.jimheffernan.org.

Duluth lags behind on Proud Boys, conspiracies...

Written By Jim Heffernan for the Duluth News Tribune on Saturday, February20

 One of the problems we have here in Duluth is that it seems like we’re always behind the times — not in step with what’s going on in the rest of the country.

 

Right when such issues as “conspiracy theories” are a really a hot thing in other parts of the (not very) United States of America, we don’t even have any. We’ll take care of that later in this important column.

 

But first, you also hear a lot about this boisterous jingoistic camo clad group known as the “Proud Boys,” and what do we have here? A bunch of timid fellows who call themselves the “Shamed Boys.” They meet on alternating Wednesdays in the basement — of course, the basement — of the former YWCA (Young Women’s Chastity Alliance) headquarters, abandoned in the 1960s.

 

I was introduced to a Shamed Boy recently at a COVID-19 mask wearing fashion show sponsored by a local philanthropy under proper social distancing conditions. Besides a paisley mask, he was wearing faded jeans and a sweatshirt bearing the inscription: “Go Ahead and Tread on Me.” I was wearing my buffalo plaid mask.

 

“How’s it happen that you call your group Shamed Boys?” I asked the neatly turned out fellow whose mask bore the inscription “Leave Me Alone if Possible.” My mask is inscribed “Bigfoot Lives.”

 

“Well, we’re ashamed of the way things are going in this country, all the riots and stuff like that,” he said. “We’re ashamed that the politicians can’t get along and nothing gets done in this country. We’re perturbed as heck and hope we don’t have to take it anymore.”

 

I could see his point. I’d been feeling a little ashamed myself, and thought maybe I should join the group, although Wednesdays are choir practice in normal times when there’s no global pandemic threatening, among other things, choral singing. We’ll see when it’s over.

 

Meanwhile, we have to address our conspiracy theory — elsewhere labeled QAnon — shortage problem. While they’re gaining currency in Congress and elsewhere, we don’t have any here in Duluth at all. Other parts of the country are swimming in them and we’re frozen out up here in the north. I think it’s time we came up with a few to get in step with current trends.

 

And, of course, we have to keep in mind that our conspiracy theories will be accepted as gospel truth by some readers of this, a number of whom could use them as a basis for mounting political campaigns or rising up against the government, or else they aren’t really conspiracy theories, right? Good.

 

So let’s get started. We’ll call them DAnon (D for Duluth, get it?) conspiracy theories.

 

DAnon No. 1 — Everyone thinks our Enger Tower, atop the Duluth hill, is an innocuous tourist attraction and a good place from which to view the city from above. That’s what it appears to be, but it’s not really just a tourist trap.

 

People believe it is named for a dead Norwegian furniture dealer, but ENGER really stands for Electronic Notification Gyroscope for Emergency Reconnaissance. The tower is wired to communicate messages to a subversive naval alt-right nationalist group known as the Proud Buoys (naval branch of the landlubber Proud Boys) out on Lake Superior plotting to attack Duluth beneath the winter ice. (See DAnon No. 2.)

 

DAnon No. 2 — During World War II agents from Hitler’s Germany smuggled parts for a submarine (U Boat) through rural Canada for assembly in a remote cove of Lake Superior. The purpose of the submarine was to attack iron ore shipping on the big lake but the war came to an end before the submarine was ever used. The German agents were captured and sent to Remer, Minn., to cut timber, and several married local women. But that’s another story.

 

The assembled submarine remained in the remote cove until recent years when the seafaring Proud Buoys commandeered it and are conspiring to attack the massive installations of the Salvation Navy on the Duluth waterfront after sneaking through the Duluth ship canal beneath the Aerial Lift Bridge under water and ice in the dark of night. (See DAnon No. 3.) 

 

DAnon No. 3 — The Duluth Aerial Lift Bridge figures strongly in our final DAnon. Duluthians and tourists love our bridge. It is an iconic symbol of everything Duluth, with all of its ups and downs, like the Eiffel Tower in Paris. It is the most photographed single object in Minnesota. But what people don’t notice is a pipe running up one end of the bridge, across the top, and down the other end. The pipe is a conduit for all of the raw sewage from Park Point, making it the most photographed sewage pipe in the western hemisphere. Put that in your sewage pipe and smell it.

 

Hold it! That’s no conspiracy theory; it’s true.

 

Never mind.

 

Jim Heffernan is a former Duluth News Tribune news and opinion writer and columnist. He can be reached at jimheffernan@jimheffernan.org and maintains a blog at www.jimheffernan.org.