By Jim Heffernan (as printed in the Duluth News Tribune editorial page: 1-10-26)
Here’s the latest fake news that’s unfit to print.
WASHINGTON — President Donald J. Trump announced yesterday that he is planning to change the name of the Great Lakes and also rename every body of water within the northern U.S. chain constituting the largest area of fresh water on planet earth.
Standing atop the asphalt that recently replaced the White House Rose Garden, Trump declared, “The word ‘Great’ is not a great enough word for the Lakes, which are actually inland seas. They will now be known as the Magnificent Lakes.” He added that, “Each of the lakes should also have a name worthy of its significance to the United States of America and the world.”
Wearing a red baseball cap inscribed with MGLB (Make Great Lakes Better), the president said the word “great” describes things like the great depression or the great plague, even “The Great Gatsby,” a fictional character known for throwing lavish parties, created by Minnesota-born novelist F. Scott Fitzgerald (no relation to Edmund Fitzgerald or Fitzgerald, the Great Lakes Aquarium’s octopus). “These wonderful lakes deserve a better identity,” he proclaimed.
Trump earlier this year ordered that the name of the Gulf of Mexico be changed to Gulf of America, a move that caused anxiety among cartographers and Mexicans and rejected by the Associated Press.
When asked by a CNN reporter if the word great in the acronym MAGA (stands for Make America Great Again) should be retained, Trump charged the woman reporter with manufacturing “fake news,” calling her “Petunia,” a veiled reference to Petunia Pig, spouse of Porky, whose corpulence is widely acknowledged. Porky too.
When a reporter from FOX News asked the chief executive if any of the now Magnificent Lakes should be named Lake Trump, he said that would be up to the new Magnificent Lakes High Commission, which he would soon be appointing. He said he will name Rudy Giuliani chair of the commission. “If he and the others think there should be a Lake Trump to, say, replace Lake Ontario, that would be entirely up to them,” Trump responded, glancing around, winking.
Late last year, the president sued the Canadian province of Ontario for airing an edited version of a speech by former President Ronald Reagan, long dead, in which the ex-Republican president decried tariffs. Trump has indicated through policy that he favors tariffs, including involving neighboring Canada.
Besides possible Lake Trump, the existing names of the other newly named Magnificent Lakes currently are Superior, Michigan, Huron and Erie.
“Lake Michigan has got to go,” Trump went on. “They’ve got a woke woman governor who won’t shut up.” He said that Lake Michigan, the only one of the lakes entirely in America, should now be called Lake Fabulous.
Regarding the largest of the newly dubbed Magnificent Lakes, now known as Lake Superior, Trump said he believes “Superior” implies that those residing along its shores think they’re better than others, “like they’re hot stuff.” The cities of Duluth, Minn., Superior, Wis., and Marquette, Mich., are ports of this largest of the now Magnificent Lakes. “They should change the name to Lake Superb,” Trump said. “You’d only have to change a few letters on maps.”
Concerning new names for the other lakes, the president singled out Lake Erie, saying it sounds “spooky.” The new name should be Lake Marvelous, he said. The one remaining lake, now called Lake Huron, should become Lake Splendid.
The president also announced plans to annex the shorelines of Canadian territory that borders the now Magnificent Lakes. “These lakes are American bodies of water and can’t be shared with any other country, especially one whose ex-Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is running around with our Katy Perry,” the president remarked, dipping into pop culture.
He said the annexation would also address illegal immigration of “those dangerous Canucks” who are sneaking into the U.S. through Minnesota’s boundary waters wilderness to compete with our good American hockey players. “We need to send in the Army or maybe the Navy. There’s a lot of lakes up there, they say.”
“The sooner we get these name changes approved the better,” Trump warned. “I’ve got a ballroom to build here at the White House and we’ll need a monument sculptor to get the face of Trump on Mount Rushmore. We’ve also got to find a new name for Mount Rushmore; it sounds too much like Mount Russiamore.”
Before heading to his nearby helicopter, the president added he intends to change the image of the U.S. national bird, the bald eagle. “Who wants a bald symbol?” he said, adding, “We’ve got to give him a full head of feathers.” Saying he knows how to handle such things, he declared, “All you have to do is comb the side and back feathers up over the bald pate. I know all about that.”
Film at 10.
Jim Heffernan is a former Duluth News Tribune news and opinion writer and continues as a columnist. He can be reached at jimheffernan@jimheffernan.org and maintains a blog at www.jimheffernan.org.
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