Monday, November 17, 2008

Lord Love a Lame Duck...

By Jim Heffernan

Here’s the latest news unfit to print…

Groups representing animal rights and the disabled announced yesterday they are launching an all-out effort to end the U.S. government’s insensitive maligning of handicapped American ducks.

The two groups, backed by the duck advocacy organization Ducks Uninhibited, are petitioning Congress and the executive branch to cease and desist in the use of “lame duck” in describing the remainder of the George W. Bush presidency and the final session of the current Congress.

“We’ve had a bellyful of lame duck this and lame duck that ever since the presidential election,” said Millard M. Merganser, executive vice president of the animal rights group Friends of our Fine Feathered Friends (FFFF). “It’s one thing to shoot ducks, but must we insult them, too?

Merganser was joined at a press conference by Rance G. Fowler of Ducks Uninhibited and S. Francis Drake, representing the Center for the Study of Political Incorrectness and Social Injustice at Tufts University, who said the term “lame” is no longer proper, except when describing poorly wrought theatrical performances or un-amusing jokes.

“When the chickens come home to roost, we must eschew lame ducks or our goose will be cooked,” asserted Merganser.

Fowler appealed to fellow Americans, especially current and past Boy Scouts, to remember to “be kind to our web-footed friends, for a duck may be somebody’s mother.” That quote, he said, is from an old Scouting anthem sung to the tune of “Stars and Stripes Forever” “but it’s as true today as it was in Abraham Lincoln’s day.”

Added FFFF’s Merganser, “If it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck it can’t be a lame duck.”

Getting their ducks in a row, the groups also announced the appointment of Huey, Louie and Dewey Duck as poster children for the campaign to stamp out lame ducks. They are the nephews of Donald and Daisy Duck of Los Angeles, who reared them. Their cousin, Daffy, is not involved in the effort because he really is lame, and Donald Duck’s wealthy but aged uncle, Scrooge McDuck, while ducking the media, has refused to endorse the effort.

Film at 10.


Anonymous said...

No quackmire in this one!
Fun. "Quack" from chirp

Jim Heffernan said...

It's lame duck season, isn't it? Jim