Monday, October 27, 2008


By Jim Heffernan

Hey, Joe Sixpack here. You remember me, don’tcha? I usta be the forgotten man but not no more. This presidential election seen to that.

Trouble is, I’m actually extinct. Kaput. That Palin woman running for vice president thinks I’m still around but I ain’t. Not by a long shot. Take it from a beer veteran: No self-respectin’, beer drinkin’, football watchin’, pickup truck drivin’, deer huntin’, red-white-and-true-blue hard workin’ guy buys beer by the six pack any more. This ain’t the Depression, you know. Not yet anyways. Maybe next week though.

Oh, the stores stock six packs, but nobody buys ‘em. I’d say the 12-pack is by far the most popular beer package, followed by the case. I’m a case man myself. Heck, any decent Green Bay or Vikings fan can put away 12 beers by halftime, after which he takes the standard trip to the you-know-what room to get ready for the second half.

By the way, even though I’m extinct, I still got feelings, for crying out loud. I got my pride. I mean, Joe Sixpack reigned supreme for decades as the symbol for the average hard-workin’, bread winnin’, blue collar wearin’ Joe.

So who’s this “Joe the Plumber” character they keep bringin’ up lately? Liketa make everybody forget about Joe Sixpack. What a faker. He ain’t even got a plumbing license so he can hug toilets legally. That’d be like my old lady’s beautician not having a cosmology license and still dyin’ hair. It’s un-American, I say.

Well I gotta get goin’ pretty soon here, but before I do I wanna state once and for all that that Governor Palin is one sharp cookie, and not a bad dish, even if she don’t know the difference between a six pack, 12 pack, case or a pony keg. I know alotta hockey moms, but Governor Palin ain’t a bit like the ones I know. For one thing, she don’t dress like a hockey mom, ceptin’ for a few doctors’ wives.

But havin’ a hockey mom in the White House could do wonders for the game. Say President McCain (if he gets elected) goes into sudden-death overtime, there she’d be right down the hall ready to step into the big job, already knowing when the skater is off side, what icing is, the difference between the red line and the blue lines, what forechecking is, when high-sticking is going on – just like in her campaign. Granted, she’s a little weak in the neutral zone.

She can catch up on the other stuff like foreign crap and the economy OJT. Stands for “on the job training,” sorta like Joe the Un-Plumber plumbing. Worked for President Bush, didn’t it?

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