History's most boring day discovered; Jesus' arrival declared imminent...

By Jim Heffernan

"Twas the llth of April in ’54, a day declared a colossal bore…”

Yes, it’s true. Some computer whiz in England fed millions of facts into a giant computer – things that make news – and determined that April 11, 1954, was the most boring day in modern history. This according to National Public Radio, which broadcast an interview with the English gentleman, who sounded like no fool.

Nobody of note died on that date, no major governmental happenings occurred, no wars started or ended, no ships sank, Leslie Nielsen’s movie career was still fledgling, nothing much at all happened, making April 11, 1954, the least eventful and most boring ever.

The researcher, whose name escapes me, did make a point of saying he only analyzed “modern history,” and not all of history. So things like the death of Alexander the Great’s horse or the Battle of Hastings (1066) or Charles Martel defeating the Moors at the Battle of Tours on Oct. 10, 732 (date provided by the Gospel According to Google) were not included. Good thing. They didn’t have computers in those days anyway.

Modern history, that’s what we’re after here: April 11, 1954, BSP (Before Sarah Palin). I’m not sure how far back the researcher dipped in modern history. I consider the last 100 years or so modern history, although serious historians probably take it back further. I do not consider myself a serious historian but rather a secular humorist.

This might be a shocking revelation, but I actually remember April 11, 1954. Well, maybe not exactly that day in 1954 but I was around Duluth in 1954 – 14 years old going on 15. I do know I was checking my legs for hair, not very successfully. Swarthier boys in Lincoln Junior High seemed to be maturing faster than I, and it was of more than a little concern to me.

Of course, they wouldn’t have cared about that in England on April 11 anyway. I was also longing – I mean longing – to get my driver’s license, which you couldn’t get until age 15. A few lucky classmates – boys who were smart enough to flunk a grade or two before reaching ninth grade on hairy legs – were already recklessly driving jalopies to school that spring. Most are now dead.

On the national scene, Dwight D. Eisenhower was in his second year as president of the United States. Eisenhower was a calm president who golfed a lot, fished for brook trout quite a bit, and didn’t seem to do much to upset the apple cart, so I suppose April 11, 1954, was just another day around the White House with Mrs. Eisenhower (call her Mamie) presiding over an early cocktail hour, Ike (the president’s nickname) planning a coronary thrombosis in a couple of years, but not that day.

Everybody liked Ike, except maybe Adolf Hitler.

Here in Duluth, Mayor George Washington Johnson must have had a light day in City Hall, or else his successor George Donald Johnson had already taken over. My memory is fuzzy on this. This was during the Johnson period of Duluth history, which not too much later was broken by the likes of Mayor Mork, not from Ork.

Meanwhile, back in the future (now, today, early December 2010), a jeweler in nearby Superior, Wis., advertised a “second coming” sale (all jewels half price) to give customers time to stock up on gems before the imminent arrival of Jesus from heaven. Readers of this from elsewhere might think I made that up. I did not. The jewels are half price! Makes you wonder: “Will there be any stars in my crown?”

Oh, and Santa Claus’ arrival is imminent as well. What if they collided in mid-air? Oh, the tragedy. I don’t even want to think about it.

I wouldn’t look for the second most boring day in modern history this month, that’s for sure.

Disaster feared as worldwide Velcro failure spreads

Senior citizens rendered barefoot
“These people haven’t tied shoes with laces since the 20th century,” the AARP spokesman said. 
By Jim Heffernan

Here’s news you won’t find anyplace else…

In the wake of what is shaping up as the worst oil spill in U.S. history, it was learned yesterday that the government is deeply concerned about another threat that could turn the nation into turmoil: Velcro is starting to fail.

The handy hook-and-loop fastener, key to national defense as part of combat uniforms and astronauts’ space suits – not to mention other appliances on the space shuttles – began failing in January in Keokuk, Iowa, and has since been spreading to both coasts and overseas.

“We can’t explain it, but the hooks and loops just aren’t connecting anymore,” according to a source who declined to be identified because she is not authorized to speak for the National Science Foundation.

Intelligence officials reportedly are concerned that Al Qaeda or elements of the Taliban might be behind the failure.

While President Barack Obama has remained publicly silent, some of his critics in Congress and elsewhere said over the weekend that Obama’s lack of stick-to-itiveness has resulted in a weakening of Velcro nationwide.

“The president has shown time and time again his indifference to the nation’s basic needs, like the ability of our brave men and women, proudly serving in uniform on two war fronts, to slap our hallowed American flag patch on their sleeves without resorting to time-consuming and potentially dangerous needle and thread,” said Sen. Mitch O’Donnell, R-Moon.

Meanwhile, the president is said to be huddling with members of his cabinet, the Joint Chiefs and his closest aides to find ways to reverse the Velcro failure. First Lady Michelle Obama was said to be “concerned.”

Assistant Press Secretary Joshua Panchuraboldt (pronounced Josh Wa) made a brief statement to reporters acknowledging the failure and saying that the president will leave no button unbuttoned in returning Velcro effectiveness for Americans.

A spokesman for AARP, the senior citizen lobby, said millions of the nation’s seniors are unable to wear their Velcro-fastened sneakers and have been rendered barefoot. “These people haven’t tied shoes with laces since the 20th century,” the AARP spokesman said. Rioting was feared in The Villages, Fla., where many seniors reside.

Rand Paul, recently nominated as a Republican senatorial candidate from Kentucky, said the Velcro failure is a natural phenomenon and none of the government’s business. “Velcro is as Velcro does,” said Paul, who interrupted his afternoon tea to issue the statement. Paul, an eye doctor, is the son of Saint Paul.

Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska and losing vice-presidential candidate in 2008, said in a Wichita, Kan. speech to Tea Party activists: “How’s that hookin’ and loopin’ workin’ out for ya now?"

Vice President Joe Biden urged calm. “We got along fine without Viagra throughout most of our history, and we’ll get along fine now,” he said.

When informed the emergency was not with Viagra but with Velcro, Biden said, “What?”

Film at 10.

Sarah Palin and me: A maul and the night visitors

By Jim Heffernan

I’ve been going around signing copies of my book, “Cooler Near the Lake (Fifty-two Favorites From Thirty-Four Years of Deadlines),” that came out last year at this time.

It’s still in the stores, and I have a couple more signing dates next weekend, one in the Village Bookstore at the Mall of Grand Rapids, Minn., (not to be confused with the Mall of America), 2 to 4 p.m. next Saturday, Dec. 12, and a final session at Barnes and Noble in Duluth, 2 to 3 p.m. next Sunday, Dec. 14.

Then I can relax, fly back to the North Pole (not to be confused with the tavern on Raleigh Street in West Duluth) and glide through the rest of the Christmas season as though on a one-horse open sleigh, knowing I have done my duty to the reading public.

But having already completed book signings at Northern Lights Books in Duluth’s Canal Park, the Bookstore at Fitger’s in Duluth’s Fitger’s Brewery Complex and at the Blacklock Gallery in Moose Lake, sponsored by the Moose Lake Area Historical Society, I feel I should offer some sound advice to readers planning to attend my two remaining signings.

Be careful. It’s getting cold outside. If you are planning to arrive the previous night to secure a place in line outside the mauls…er…malls, bring warm clothes. Set up tents and include arctic sleeping bags in your gear. We don’t want anyone getting frostbite waiting for a signed copy of a book partially – but only partially – devoted to cold weather. You can’t judge a book by its cover.

Once the multitudes are allowed inside the malls and line up before my signing table, be aware of the protocols associated with such occasions.

Just as fellow author Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, doesn’t mind if readers at her signings call her governor (people still call Jesse Ventura governor, after all), I don’t mind being addressed as “Mister” or “Sir” or “Your Excellency.” Still, “Jim” is fine. That’s my name, but don’t wear it out.

Perhaps you’ve heard Ms. Palin is traveling around signing copies of her book, “Going Rogue.” Just like me. She was at the Mall of America on Pearl Harbor Day. There might be irony there, I don’t know. The Moose Lake Historical Society was going to invite her to our signing session there, but there’s a big statue of a moose at the edge of town and they were afraid she’d shoot it.

“Cooler Near the Lake” sold pretty well last year for a book issued at the dawn of a period in our history that will forever be known as “The Great Recession,” and described by a fellow writer from England named Wm. Shakespeare as “…the winter of our discontent.” But there are a few left for this year – hence another round of book signings.

I always enjoy meeting members of the general public at these events, and hope to see you at one of them. Remember, though, don’t take chances lining up outdoors in the cold weather, and, oh what the heck, you can call me “wonderful counselor,” although I admit I am one of the few who never went to law school.

If you can’t make it to Grand Rapids or Duluth next weekend, the book’s available online, even if you are exploring the Amazon, if you catch my drift. (Shameless pandering, I know, but a guy’s gotta watch out for his ego.)

And thanks.

Book signing in boxer shorts is a dream event...

"I’m at the bookstore, seated at the signing table, wearing only my boxer shorts and...."

I’ll be at Duluth’s Northern Lights Books on Canal Park Drive signing copies of my book, Cooler Near the Lake: Fifty-two Favorites from Thirty-four Years of Deadlines from 2 to 3 p.m. Saturday (July 11), come rain or come shine.

So, come on down, rain or shine. I’ll be glad to personally inscribe a copy of the book for you.

Last month, well-known author David Sedaris signed books at Northern Lights and hundreds of people showed up – so many that, because it rained, those who couldn’t fit into the building were housed on buses in the parking lot and entertained by guitar-strumming performers.

Maybe reading news accounts of the Sedaris signing at Northern Lights prompted this dream the other night, late in a restless sleep:

I’m at the bookstore, seated at the signing table, wearing only my boxer shorts (as often happens in dreams). Outside a moose ambles by, chased by Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska who announced she will resign this month. Al Franken shows up with Mayor Don Ness and they do a soft-shoe routine on the sidewalk out front (after Palin and the moose pass by).

Because the day is “Cooler Near the Lake” (sorry), and it is shiveringly cold, a tent loaned by Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey is erected in the parking lot were overflow crowds are entertained by an elephant playing Brahms. Or was it Grieg? Dreams fade fast in the morning.

Author Sedaris thought he had a big response.

Unfortunately – no, actually fortunately – my Saturday signing will be a much quieter event than the one in the dream, or even Sedaris’ event. I’ll be there, fully clothed, with bells on. Not sure they’ll ring.

A SARAH PALIN LIMERICK

By Jim Heffernan

There once was a Palin named Sarah,
Who fiddled a lot with her hair-ah,
Sometimes she wore bangs,
Above her sharp fangs,
Just like she did as a mayor-ah.

Now the Palin named Sarah is Gov.,
Of a state every hunter can love,
She shot down a moose,
Then cooked her own goose,
Asking for help from above.

Sarah Palin is always dressed nicely
In duds she’ll discuss only icily,
Preferring instead,
To lip-gloss the head,
Of a bulldog, speaking precisely.

GREAT COJONES OF FIRE!

By Jim Heffernan

When Minnesota Public Radio contacted Sen. Amy Klobuchar this week to ask which way she’d vote on the bailout bill, she said she’d vote “yes,” but implied great reluctance.

Why?

“Because I’m (rhymes with kissed, but involves a different part of the human anatomy) off and the people are (same rhyme) off,” is a pretty fair quote drawn from memory. MPR broadcast the brief interview on Wednesday, Oct. 1, on “All Things Considered.”

Seldom do we hear politicians invoke vulgar phrases in public, much less for broadcast. I’m so accustomed to writing for a “family newspaper” (most newspapers consider themselves family newspapers, like restaurants that don’t allow dancing are family eateries) I feel I must write around or insert rhyming words or euphemisms for harmless vulgarities even here on the Internet.

A brief history of the phrase she used: As a youngster, I thought we made it up -- we being my peer group at the time. When I got into the wider world, I realized that the term, meaning “very angry”, was universal in English. I’m not sure what they say in France -- don’t know much about the French I took.

But the words were filed in our young brains along with other, mostly scatological, terms like bull (what the farmer hauled another load of) and son of a (rhymes with ditch), harmless enough but not qualified for use around adults without risking the threat of soap in the mouth.

Who’d have thought a United States senator would someday utter this vulgar term for “very angry” on the radio, for heaven’s sake. Well, maybe not heaven’s sake, but it least it doesn’t take anybody’s name in vain.

There are also sexism implications here. In my experience, going way, way back, women were not expected to “swear” as much as men, and I think that still is the case to some extent, although it’s fading fast in the 21st century. When I was a child, my family knew a widow woman who smoked and “swore like a trooper,” and she was a subject of great dinner table controversy. She was the only woman anybody knew who could swear and smoke at the same time.

Moving on once again to the 21st century, on the same day that Sen. Klobuchar so frankly described her anger at the need to bail out Wall Street in alley-above-Main Street language, the New York Times reported on a similar somewhat vulgar utterance from the lip-glossed mouth of Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska, the Republican choice for vice president.

Oh, I know some might say, “yeah, that’s the liberal New York Times again,” but the quote was pretty well authenticated after the reporter viewed a video recording of a Palin debate when she was running for governor of Alaska against two men (a Democrat and an Independent).

Having survived a primary in her own party, Palin responded to a charge from a general election opponent that she hadn’t attended enough debates by pointing out that she’d been running for more than a year, and adding: “You know, you’ve got to have the (English for cojones) to take it on in the early part of a campaign, and not just go right to the big show.”

An avowedly religious candidate, Palin must have been referring to the Biblical great cojones of fire, don’t you think? Of course, I don’t know much about the Spanish I took either.