A COVID shot in the long arm of the law...

 

Covid Vaccine–Getty Images

Written by Jim Heffernan for the DuluthNewsTribune/ October 4, 2025

I used to be a pretty good law-abiding citizen but now I feel like a fugitive.

Oh, I’ve had my brushes with the law. A couple of speeding tickets, that sort of thing. I once stole a grape from a store display of berries and such but I didn’t get caught. I popped it into my mouth. I was in junior high at the time.

I’ve managed to stay out of the hoosegow all these years and we’re talking about a lot of years. So, it’s kind of surprising to become a possible fugitive at this stage of my so-called life. Not here in Minnesota, but elsewhere where what I did seems to be against the law. What if I travel? To Florida, the Moonshine State? Oops, sorry…Sunshine State.

 

So even after reading all the news about vaccinations, I admit I sneaked into a pharmacy when no one was looking and the fuzz wasn’t around so I wouldn’t be observed and get caught. I was intent on committing what seems now to be a crime in some places by getting a shot…a COVID shot. Yikes! The way some of the politicians are talking in some places a COVID shot would be a major offense punishable by who-knows-what.

 

So, after a nice nurse poked my arm and slipped the juice to me (Bruce?) I slunk out of the drug store wondering if “slunk” is proper English usage and covering the bandage on my upper arm with a loose sleeve. Glancing around, I felt like a lonely little petunia in an onion patch.

 

I made it, but after committing an offense like that, you can’t just act like things are normal. You log onto the on-line newspaper and half of the headlines warn the reader that the big cheeses in government are fighting over COVID vaccines, certain “woke” politicians being all for them, and red state politicos following the lead of the United States Secretary of “Health” and Human Services who are showing no mercy about COVID shots. (The quotation marks are mine.)

 

His uncle was once president of the United States; my uncle was named Wiggily. You might remember Uncle Wiggily. Very well known. He and his friend Piggily shortened their names and founded a grocery store chain. But I digress.

 

I confess I must be woke when it comes to getting vaccinated for all things, including mumps, measles, chicken pox, diphtheria, polio and anything else. I’ve had vaccinations for ‘em all. I remember back in the day when you could openly seek such treatment without having to worry about you or the doc being prosecuted. But you might have to worry about spelling diphtheria.

 

Reflecting as I contemplated the situation, I recalled my U.S. Army days when they’d line you up in some makeshift medical facility and herd you through a double row of low-ranking medics, about three on each side, each wielding a medical shot gun for various military diseases. As you moved through the line, you’d get shot in each arm several times. The Army didn’t bother with needles; they’d shoot you.

 

This was the most harrowing action I ever saw in the military (except for the haircuts). Some soldiers fainted in line before getting the shots and had to be hauled away. I did not faint. I was too scared to faint; they might put you on K.P. when you came to.

 

Meanwhile, back to the present. I’ve started to venture out with my COVID shot coursing through my body, the shot ready at a moment’s notice to go to war against that consarned virus that shut down the country for some five years. (I know consarned is not a real cuss word, but it works so well you could say it in church and not be condemned to h-e-double toothpicks.)

 

But I know many, many people are wary of COVID shots and won’t get them. Research shows that two out of three stooges are against them. While I respect them greatly, I have never taken medical advice from Moe, Larry, Curly or Shemp. (That’s four. They couldn’t count. Stooges are notoriously poor at head counting but great at face slapping.)

 

So now I feel like a prospective fugitive for the first time in what can only be described as my long life. Hey, maybe I made it this long because of all the medicine injections I’ve had over the years. Heck, I’ve even had the shingles shot, even though our roof seems fine. As they incessantly holler on ubiquitous TV commercials, “shingles doesn’t care!”

 

Today (Oct. 4) is my birthday, and I am still with us. I know shingles doesn’t care, but I do.

 

Jim Heffernan is a former Duluth News Tribune news and opinion writer and continues as a columnist. He can be reached at jimheffernan@jimheffernan.org and maintains a blog at www.jimheffernan.org.