Here’s the latest fake news that’s unfit to print from this date in 2029 (five years from now).
DATELINE ST. PAUL — Minnesota Gov. C. Elmer Polka today activated the Army National Guard to assist local law enforcement throughout the state in quelling ongoing riots and street fighting over the adoption of a new state flag five years ago.
Minnesota adopted its original flag in 1893 but by 2023 many citizens and aliens believed it had become outdated. It contained the state seal and images of a farmer plowing a field with a Native American on horseback who was, some criticized, riding off into the sunset. Inscribed on the seal were the French words “etoile du nord” which many believe means “toilet of the north.”
Union plumbers and others felt this was demeaning and the Legislature authorized the creation of a new flag, appointing a commission to select one. Word went out to the citizenry to submit ideas for a new flag, and some 2,000 responded.
After much deliberation, the commission selected a flag with a broad image of the state of Minnesota containing an eight-pointed star (of the north) and a large field of blue. That was it.
Many, including most registered Republicans, were not satisfied with the selection, especially constituents in “greater” Minnesota, some of whom have since advocated splitting the state down the middle with the western portion seceding to “the Dakotas,” becoming Dakotasota. The eastern half would become Minnesconsin. The metro area should be renamed Minnemoscow, according to some rural county-level leaders who suggested a red flag be adopted there.
Objections to the new flag were manifold. Brewing interests were upset over the blue field on the new flag which many interpreted to represent “The Land Of Sky-Blue Waters,” a promotional slogan representing Hamm’s, “the beer refreshing.” “What’s Grain Belt supposed to do with the whole state advertising Hamm’s?” asked Grain Belt president Walter B. “Whoopie” Kusheon. “Why not replace the blue with amber waves of grain?”
A spokesperson for Budweiser beer, Charles “Chuck” E. Cheesehorst, suggested the flag should include a team of draft horses pulling a wagon, an image steeped in Minnesota agricultural and brewing history.
Elsewhere, the Rev. Bartholomew Saturn, spiritual leader of Midwestern Heavenly Astronomers LLC, objected to the star on the flag, saying it resembles the star of Bethlehem that was followed by three wise men astride camels to the birthplace of Christianity. “It violates the separation of church and State of Minnesota,” said the Rev. Mr. Saturn, adding, “we might as well put camels on the flag. Or start smoking them again.”
Disputing sides in the flag controversy have taken their grievances to the state Supreme Court following violent outbreaks in several communities resulting in open street confrontations with participants wielding hockey sticks and curling brooms, but no curling irons. Deployed National Guardsmen and Women have used fire hoses to quell the violence in season.
Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the Ducks Unmolested organization called for inclusion of a duck on any new flag. “In the past it was de rigueur to depict a loon on our flag and our seal” said DU spokesman Mallard W. Coot. “What about ducks? You can’t roast a loon. Besides, they spend half the year in Louisiana. Let them put a loon on their flag,” stated Coot.
A state spokesperson, John Jacob “Jingleheimer” Johnson, said in a statement that a new state seal depicts a proud loon, and that critics of it “are a little loony, no insult intended.” It has not been determined if “loony” constitutes an insult, an issue expected to reach the state Supreme Court.
“What about wolves?” howled wolf advocate “Wolfman” Jack Drool, who heads BBWCAW United (acronym stands for Big Bad Wolves Can Always Win). “Our wolves are more popular than loons and ducks. We need wolves to blame when hunters don’t shoot enough deer. Put wolves on the flag. There are more wolves in Minnesota than habitués of urban bars. In fact, there are quite a few wolves IN those bars.”
U.S. President Amy Klobuchar called for peace. “We’re the Midwest, not the Middle East,” she reminded. Klobuchar, a former U.S. senator from Minnesota, was elected to the White House last year, defeating perennial presidential candidate Nikki Haley in the first all-female race for president.
Haley’s campaign faltered when she responded to a question asking what caused World War II by not mentioning Hitler’s Germany or the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor.
Film at 10.
Jim Heffernan is a former Duluth News Tribune news and opinion writer and continues as a columnist. He can be reached at email@example.com and maintains a blog at www.jimheffernan.org.