What to wear when visiting the Vatican...

Oblique/St. Peter's Square, Vatican City

Written by Jim Heffernan/DuluthNewsTribune/6-7-25

I like new Pope Leo XIV, although it remains to be seen how he’ll turn out (sainthood maybe?). Seems like it takes 200 to 300 years. There have been several Pope Leos before Pope Leo XIV — 13 (XIII) to be exact, according to all 10 (X) of my fingers plus three (III) toothpicks.

 

Pope Leo XIV is the first American to head the Holy See, prompting many to exclaim “Holy Mackerel!” — with all due respect, of course. 

 

When I was a kid in school, all of the classroom clocks had Roman numerals marking the hours I through XII. That pretty much sums up what I learned in school. Once you get beyond XII, though, it can get tough to figure out what the Roman numerals mean. I’m lost on the Super Bowl. The last one was LIX; parse that if you can.

 

I do think Roman numerals add a touch of class to individuals who achieve great fame and success, like kings, queens and popes, or descendants of rich guys like Scrooge McDuck (the Disney favorite who had so much money he had to push it around with a plow). His grandson, Dr. Scrooge McDuck III, is a distinguished physician and not a quack.

 

But enough secular stuff. Let’s get back to Leo popes, or Pope Leos, and other popes. I was brought up a Lutheran, so my pope lore is very pooped. But I have some.

 

I was scared of Pope Pius XII, the pope of my childhood. At movies I recall seeing Pius XII in a lot in the newsreels they used to screen between showings of the movies. This was in ancient times before TV became ubiquitous.

 

They always showed slender and austere Pope Pius XII (he was pope from 1939 to 1958, Google reports) being carried around seated in a portable throne on the shoulders of the gaily clad Swiss Guards, although I didn’t know then that they were Swiss Guards. They looked like classy pirates, to coin an oxymoron.

 

Pius XII never smiled, but, understanding a little bit about world history now as a grownup, he had very little to smile about. He took over the Holy See right at the outbreak of World War II (hey, more Roman numerals) and served throughout that war and the Cold War and various and sundry other wars. Dour times. All times are dour, come to think of it.

 

Still, as a youngster, and a Lutheran one to boot, I was slightly afraid of the austere pope, although I thought it was kind of neat in those pre-Popemobile days that he never walked anywhere and was carried on the shoulders of six (VI) men. I was a lazy boy and would have preferred being carried around like that myself.

 

I hadn’t given my childhood Pope Pius XII much thought since I was a kid but ran smack into him a few years ago on a trip to Rome. Walking into St. Peter’s Basilica, there he was depicted in a huge mural on a wall. He still wasn’t smiling, although he might have if he’d known about my Vatican pants.

 

This was back in the days — the ‘90s — when men’s casual pants often had zippers just above the knees and if the weather suddenly went from cool to warm you could unzip the lower legs and go around in shorts so your calves and shins wouldn’t overheat. Well, when the group we were with in Rome was told men weren’t allowed to wear shorts in the Sistine Chapel or Basilica I donned my khakis with the zippered knees.

 

After exiting the holy sites on a warm Rome day, I quickly unzipped each leg and, voila, I was in shorts. 

St.Peter's Square, Vatican City

Since then I have always called them my Vatican pants.

Vatican pants aside, as soon as the new pope declared he would be named Leo XIV I was reminded of an earlier Leo pope, Pope Leo III (just three fingers), serving toward the end of the first century in the year of our Lord 795 or so. I recalled from somnambulant world history studies in college days (History LX?) that it was Leo III who crowned the renowned Charlemagne as emperor of just about everywhere in Europe back then.

 

Everybody knows about Charlemagne, but hardly anyone remembers that his father was Pepin the Short, and his grandson was Charles the Bald and great-grandson was Charles the Fat. This was almost 2,000 years before political correctness. Learning stuff like that is what college is all about.

 

Finally (and it’s about time) I want to wish new Pope Leo XIV well. He is neither short nor fat nor bald. That should stand him in good stead. We’ll see in a couple of hundred years how it all turns out. Unfortunately, I will no longer be with us.

 

Jim Heffernan is a former Duluth News Tribune news and opinion writer and continues as a columnist. He can be reached at jimheffernan@jimheffernan.org and maintains a blog at www.jimheffernan.org.