By Jim Heffernan
Here’s the news of the future – Dec. 22, 2012 to be exact – concerning the end of the world the day before.
DATELINE PLANET EARTH (Dec. 22, 2012) --
As predicted in the ancient Mayan calendar, the world ended yesterday when the planet Earth and former planet Pluto collided in the Solar System.
Shortly before Earth was blown to smithereens, officials speculated it was caused by Pluto as revenge for being downgraded from official planet status. President Barack Obama urged calm, as Pluto catapulted toward Earth. Republican leaders in Congress feared the cataclysm might be worse than falling off the fiscal cliff nine days hence.
As a result of the Armageddon, long predicted by religious leaders, ongoing problems on Earth no longer exist on personal, local, national or global levels. Individuals were absolved of all bill paying, crime in cities ended, congressional polarization was vaporized and ongoing trouble in the Middle East and other world hotspots abruptly came to an end.
It would have been cause for celebration, except there was nobody left to celebrate.
In the beginning the Earth was waste and void. Now it is only void.
The final words from planet Earth were unaccountably uttered by an anthropomorphic pig: “That’s all folks!”
(The foregoing dispatch was transmitted by the Unassociated Press minutes before the world came to an end.)