Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Song of Minnehaha

News item: Duluth council decides to sell Minnehaha Tiffany window.

SONG OF MINNEHAHA
By the shores of Gitchee Gumee,
By the shining big-sea waters,
Stands the city on a hillside,
Struggling under crushing debt.
At the place they called the Depot,
In glass cases for protection,
Reined the maiden Minnehaha,
Rendered life-like as a window,
Stained glass window of the maiden,
Known to all as Minnehaha,

But she was no laughing matter,
Not to those who knew her value.
"It could be two million dollars,"
Said the experts from big cities.
Caught the gaze of city leaders,
Brightened eyes of city fathers,
Seeking ways to reconcile debt.
"Sell the maiden Minnehaha,
Pay the pipers at our doorstep,
Save the city from the poorhouse,
Balance out our empty checkbook."

"Keep our little Minnehaha,"
Cried the artists and their brethren,
Artists having good credentials,
Knowing what is good from awful.
"Never mind the artists' input,"
Say the City Council members,
"Sell the maiden Minnehaha
For big bucks to save our city."

Cry the children of the future,
Never see historic window,
Lose our heritage and history,
Leave us nothing but blank walls,
Walls bereft of stained-glass window,
Of the maiden Minnehaha.

Jim Heffernan

Posted by Jim Heffernan at 8:30 PM
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FINALLY...THE ELECTIONS ARE OVER

FINALLY...THE ELECTIONS ARE OVER

SCROLL DOWN: WORDS FROM THE PAST...

Check out the writings below for additonal posts that include hand-picked past columns (not included in my book) from my column writing days with the Duluth News-Tribune.  I hope to include some Twin Ports memory pieces, more about the rich and famous in Duluth, slices of life, and…yes…outrageous nonsense.

POLITICS TOO DIRTY FOR WORDS...

by Jim Heffernan
(Originally appeared in the Duluth News-Tribune on Sunday, October 1, 2006.) Maybe now that the elections for 2008 are over, we can be open to some frivolity?

Today I formally announce that I am not a candidate for president in 2008 or for any political office now or forevermore, amen.

Sometimes people with access to small slices of the media – like this one – throw their hats into the ring for president to draw good-natured attention to themselves and to poke fun at the regular politicians (not that anyone who seeks elective office at any level could be considered “regular”). I choose to throw my towel into the ring.

Still, even if in the past I might have considered a run for some office, I would never dare become involved today because my criminal record and nefarious background would surely be brought to light by my opponents, and embarrass my family.

Campaigns have become dirtier and dirtier in recent years as office seekers attempt to vilify their opponents with television ads portraying them as sulfur-sniffing Satans, or worse. They conduct research to find anything in an opponent’s background that might make an average voter say to herself: “Well, that does it! I’m not voting for anyone who drove through a car wash in 1994 where non-registered aliens worked!”

Thus, I will not run (except to hide), even if I am drafted, which looks increasingly likely the way the wars are going. Who needs their crimes and misdemeanors broadcast far and wide during prime time? Not me. And the way they’re digging for dirt, they’d probably uncover some of my darkest deeds, which I have sought to hide for the sake of my loyal family.

Like the time at Olson Bros. grocery store in the old West End when I stole a grape from their produce display when brother Herman wasn’t looking. I don’t know what got into me…I was standing there after school (I was perhaps 12 going on 10), hungry, and suddenly I plucked one
grape and popped it into my mouth. I felt so guilty that if I had been a Roman Catholic I would have confessed it, but Herman and I went to the same Lutheran church so I kept my mouth shut (the grape having been swallowed).

Certainly, the Republicans would dig that up unless I ran as a Republican, which is about as likely as my winning a Pulitzer Prize for this column.

There are other crimes, too. One time a bunch of us kids were playing with matches on Duluth’s west hillside and started a grass fire! It wasn’t intentional. We were just getting set to burn a few Cub Scouts at the stake, when nearby tall grass caught fire and the next thing we knew the whole hill was ablaze. When firefighters arrived and interrogated us, I looked them straight in the eye and denied that we had anything to do with it whatsoever, so help us God. I did have my fingers crossed behind my back but the Republicans would never acknowledge that.

Also, I smoked a Lucky Strike once at age 14. I believe that in today’s tobacco-free environment that would disqualify me from public office right there.

The list is longer than I have space for – speeding tickets, parking tickets, driving without seat belts fastened, not paying attention in school, procrastination, failure to floss, shirking responsibility and other shameful deeds that even I can’t recall but would be dug up by my opponents and put on TV were I to run for office.

And finally, yes, I’m Jim Heffernan and I disapprove of this message.